Winter
by xtherapyx
Summary: All I know is that I’m glad he’s dead. Oneshot Songfic


Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or Bayside.

* * *

**Winter**

I jolted up in bed. I was sweating and short of breath. My alarm clock red 2:00 AM. I had went into bed only 10 minutes ago and already I was awake. I thought about calling Emma, or maybe even Sean. I'm sure they were both having these same dreams. It's been a hard two weeks.

_When winter falls, next yea, I'll be holding on  
To anything nailed down  
_

He was one of my first real friends. Sure there was JT, but soon enough he ditched me like I never mattered. There was Manny, who even came with me at a time when I needed a friend. However, she ditched Emma and JT like they were never even a part of her life. She lost points on that. So I waited for my true friend. And I got it. And then lost it. When will it be my turn to enjoy high school?

_As for being patient, with fate and all, it's getting old.  
And my mind is slowly changing  
_

I picked up the phone and dialed Emma's number. She was the only person I could think to call. "Toby?" she whispered into the phone. She sounded like she had been crying. A tear rolled down my cheek and I started to whimper. "I'm sorry, Em."

_I'm calling all my oldest friends  
Saying "sorry for this mess we're in,"  
_

When we became friends, I felt like finally, I got to call the shots. Rick was never popular. In fact, I was his only friend. Therefore, without me, he would be alone. And I liked that. But then I lost control. He had control of the trigger. It was his call.

_And I'm waiting, waiting  
For the sun to come and melt this snow,  
Wash away the pain, and give me back control, control. _

Rick wasn't perfect. He made mistakes. He was definitely rough around the edges. But he knew it. And deep down, he _was_ a nice person. I just wish everyone could've seen that. It's a bit comforting to know that he's escaped all of the torture.

_An angel got his wings, and we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.  
_

The morning of the shooting, I saw Rick with his mother. He loved her so much, and she loved him back. I've never witnessed so much love in my life. At the funeral, I thought she was going to get dehydrated from crying so much. Who can blame her though?

_We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime. _

Rick's birthday is tomorrow. We had it all planned out. We were going to skip school and go to the comic book store. I even bought him a rare copy of The X-Men. And now…the day is just another day. No significance. Is it ok to not do what we planned do that day? Does it make me a bad person that I'm trying to go on with my life?

_Should we still set his plate? Should we still save his chair?  
Should we still buy him gifts and if we don't, did we not care?  
_

I've been thinking a lot about who I've been and all the mistakes I've made. Telling Paige about JT's wet dream, trying to change Jimmy's grade…I'm starting to wonder if all of that was worth it. Was it worth the punishment? If I died tomorrow, would I be satisfied with the life I lived? I'm trying to be a better person.

_It makes you think about the life you've led, shit you've done, things you've said.  
And it's grounding, grounding.  
_

When I walk through the halls, everyone looks at me with this weird look on their face. Some with sympathy, some with disgust. Jay gives me a death glare. Manny gives me one only of true concern. Spinner gives me one of guilt. I know he was involved. I can see it in his eyes. But I know what they would do to me if I brought it up. I'm too weak to deal with that. Maybe someday I'll be strong enough to rat them out.

_I've been feeling three feet tall this month, hardly indestructible.  
But the snow melts, and the rhythm still goes on. _

To Rick's mother, Rick was a perfect angel. He did good in school, he followed the rules, was always early for everything. I think it's better that way. She should spend time dwelling on the positive aspects of his personality, not the negative.

_An angel got his wings, and we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.  
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime._

I was glad Manny took me to the funeral. It meant a lot to me that even though she didn't like Rick, she was there for me. She's a true friend. Maybe I'm starting to get a little crush on her. But I wouldn't bother trying. Even if she liked me, she's too good of a friend. 

Friends stay side by side,  
In life and death you've always stole my heart,  
You'll always mean so much to me, it's hard to believe this

I walked down to the ravine last night. I saw Emma get in with Jay and I turned around and walked back home. I don't wanna know how she's relieving her pain. It's not my business. And if I know, I'll want to stop her. He probably means nothing to her, but if she feels it'll make her feel better, then she should do it.

_These nights in vans, these nights in bars, don't mean a thing with empty hearts, w__ith empty hearts. _

I'd like to think I was a good friend to Rick. It's hard to find the good in someone like him, but I managed to find it. We had a little something in common: we were both outcasts. All I know is that I'm glad he's dead. Now he can't be tortured or laughed at.

_An angel got his wings, and we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.  
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime. _

JT was an ass. But he made up for it. Who knows what Manny did to get him there, but it meant a lot that he showed up. I'm glad that he did something right for once.

_Friends stay side by side,  
In life and death you've always stole my heart,  
You've always meant so much to me, it's hard to believe  
So much to me, it's hard to believe  
So much to me, it's hard to believe this._


End file.
